A Sense of Obligation

I had lunch today with a very good friend of mine who is starting to plan her wedding.  She is very excited but also paralyzed by a sense of obligation to have the “right” kind of wedding.  What she really wants is a very small event with just close family and a few friends, but she has this feeling that she is obligated to do something bigger and more traditional.

As we talked about it and I argued that it is more important to have the right wedding for them- a small gathering with fried chicken and ribs- than it is to invite the cousins you barely know and colleagues you don’t really like, I realized that these feelings of guilt and obligation that she was describing are very similar to the feelings I get about working/life balance.

Many of us, I think, are often so focused on our intention to do what is “right,” that we are unable to do what is right for us.  While I am not a fan of the overly entitled, “it is all about me” attitude that is on the other side of the spectrum, I do think that part of becoming a true grown up is learning how to balance obligations and what feels right, especially when those two things don’t coincide.

I was just approached about doing a very large project for one of my clients.  While this is exciting, I am also aware of the fact that it would mean a lot more struggles in terms of work/life balance.  It means figuring out how much I can honestly take on and also how much I am willing to commit to, given my desire to be present for the little one and working at the same time.

So here comes the challenge of practicing what I preach and making sure I figure out that balance from the outset…

Taking the Plunge

I officially launched the website for my consulting business yesterday.  SCARY!  This is a move I have been putting off for months, but after a number of recent conversations I realized that I just had to do it.

One friend of mine, who is also in the process of building a business, was telling me how she feels like opportunities are just passing her by as she avoids promoting her business.  As soon as she said that something in me clicked.  I had been feeling exactly the same way- terrified that I was missing chances for work by not getting my name out there and beating myself up for it constantly.

But I also realized that the other part, for me, was being afraid of what I would do if suddenly I had tons of work on my plate.  How would I balance the work and taking care of M?  How would I find child care at the last minute?  Would I be capable of doing the work?  And then I realized: I can cross that bridge when I come to it.

I don’t have it all figured out in order to take the next step.  Of course the site had to be ready for the launch, but I didn’t need to have child care arranged.  Or even a plan for what I would do if I suddenly was overwhelmed with work.

In that way, I feel like launching your own business is kind of like having a kid: you are never really going to be ready, there is never going to be a perfect time and, in the end, it is just about doing the best you can with what you have.

So fingers crossed and here’s hoping for some good, interesting work coming my way soon.

I’m not hitting on you, I swear!

So, today, in my quest to befriend a stay-at-home dad I introduced myself to a dad at the playground with his one-year-old daughter.  I am pretty confident that he is a stay-at-home dad because I have seen him there before and overheard him making plans with other stay-at-home dads (potential jackpot!).  But all did not go as planned…

It started out really well.  He complimented my son on his Grateful Dead onesie.  I then said hello to his daughter.  We then exchanged the normal, requisite (dare I say tedious) pleasantries: age of kids, names of kids. And that is when it got awkward.  I introduced myself, “I’m J, by the way.”  He introduced himself.  And then, silence.  I didn’t know what to say. I suddenly felt totally constrained by lame-ass insecurities.  I didn’t want to seem too eager and I definitely I didn’t want it to seem like I was hitting on him.  So I just went quiet.

After a couple of minutes I asked if he lived nearby (another normal playground question).  He answered.  We each said one sentence about how great the playground was.  And, done.  Then he wandered off, and I wandered off.  And we avoided one another for the rest of the hour or so we were both at the playground.  Lame and awkward.

I did have a nice conversation with another mom, though.  Same questions to start, but then it just happened.  Was it because there weren’t the same stereotypical gender dynamics to worry about?  Was it because we just clicked better? Was it because I was more relaxed?

I still want this to happen and I will try again.  But somehow I feel like I need to adjust my approach so that it doesn’t seem like I am desperate- don’t want them to smell blood in the water… Suggestions? Words of advice? Tales of your own humiliations?

Will you be my friend?

Twice in the past two weeks I have been at playgrounds and encountered stay-at-home dads with their kids.  In both cases I have immediately developed serious friend-crushes.  I want to be friends with these guys really badly.

Why? You might ask.  Well, a couple of reasons. 1) I just think it is really cool when a guy is willing to put social pressures aside and be a stay-at-home dad.  I think it shows confidence and openness. 2) They usually seem to be pretty adventurous- up for fun trips with the kids to new places or events.  But most importantly, 3) I just miss hanging out with guys!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful that I have the mom friends (and non-mom women friends) that I have- they are incredibly wonderful, strong, smart, exciting, bad-ass women.  But there are times when I really miss testosterone.  I miss open competitiveness.  I miss stupid, dirty jokes.  I miss eating like a guy and not talking about calories or food-guilt.

So I’ve decided that I have to get over my befriending people at the park fear and take the bull by the horns.  I am going to befriend a stay-at-home dad even if it kills (or humiliates) me!

Back in the Saddle

After taking a couple of weeks off due to travel, house guests, and work, I am jumping back into the saddle.  The past couple of weeks have been utterly insane and exhausting.  But I have also had a lot of fascinating conversations and interactions about parenting, working, balancing, and feminism.  Sometimes I am amazed at how many people are struggling with these issues and it is both reassuring and depressing that I am not alone.

I had a really wonderful conversation with one friend the other day as she prepares to go back to work after four months of maternity leave.  She was telling me how she is both excited and nervous about going back.  Excited because she is looking forward to using her brain professionally again, to spending time with adults, and even to having a break from her son (and, honestly, who among us haven’t wanted that sort of a break at one point or another).  One thing I really appreciated was that she said she thought she would value the time she had with him more once it was limited.  But she is also nervous about this transition.  She is nervous about leaving her baby with other people, about how it will change her relationship with her son, and also about how her ability to do her job will change- not that she won’t be able to do her job, but that her attention and priorities are different now.

I also read this wonderful letter on Motherlode that talked about similar struggles with going back to work- definitely also check out the comments, some of them are incredibly thoughtful and interesting to read.

Both of these women’s struggles really brought home to me how no one, not even the person who is absolutely clear about their child care situation- whether it is staying home or going back to work- escapes the angst, the sadness, and the insecurities that go along with these decisions.  I just deeply hope that we can support one another through those decisions, no matter which way they fall.

Beach Bound…

We leave first thing tomorrow morning for our second beach vacay of the season!  This will be the first time that I am doing the stay-at-home mom thing of going off with another mom and having our husbands meet us for the weekend.  I am super excited for the trip but am feeling a bit like, “wait? how did this become my life?”  But I am determined to embrace the trip for all of its relaxing potential- bring on the sun, the drinks, and the sandy fun!

I’ll be back in about a week…

Friday!

I don’t think I have ever been so relieved that it is Friday.  Poor M has been teething like CRAZY this week- fevers, whining, crying, temper tantrums, the works.  On top of that, we are definitely entering a new phase of development which we haven’t figured out yet.  He is desperate to communicate a whole lot more to us but doesn’t yet have the words which leads to amazing amounts of frustration for him.  You can practically hear him yelling, “why don’t you understand me?!?!?!?!?!”  It has felt like living in a vortex of baby angst.

My mom always tells me that just when you think you are about to kill them, they do something amazing that makes it all ok again.  Well, this morning I felt like M was going to need to bust out in complete, Dickensian-style sentences for me to be happy again.

So I am incredibly grateful that it is Friday and that tomorrow I get to leave M with F and go have lunch with wonderful women friends who don’t have kids (read: no kid talk).

Unpaid Vacation

While I am happy with the decision I made to be self-employed and work from home while M is small, there are times when it is really tough.  The obvious one is when you have a big deadline coming up and your kid won’t take a nap.  But the other time that is really hard is when you are offered a job but are unable to take it.

This week I was contacted about a small job that needs to be turned around in two days next week.  Unfortunately, I am going to be on vacation next week (well, fortunately I am going to be on vacation next week but unfortunately I can’t take the job).   As a self-employed person, turning down a job is always a hard call.  But turning down a job as a self-employed stay-at-home mom is awful.

As a self-employed stay-at-home mom I often feel guilty about how little money I am able to bring in.  I know that the work I do for our family is invaluable, blah, blah, blah, but the truth is contributing financially also feels really good.  So turning down jobs suddenly becomes not only about the risk of turning down a job and the loss of the income, but also about the self-esteem blow that comes along with all that. 

I know I made the right choice by saying no and I know that my vacation is well-deserved and will be a lot of fun- I likely won’t even think about the job lost- but, man, does that twinge of guilt suck.

The dangers of protection

Yet another story in the news about the rising number of food allergies among kids has got me thinking that living in sterile environments is bad, bad, bad.  While the news of the story is actually good, that exposure therapy for kids with peanut and milk allergies has promise, the part that really struck me was this: 

The reason for the [increase in the number of kids with food allergies] is the subject of intense research and debate. There are several theories, including changes in how food is processed and children’s not being exposed to certain foods early in life. Evidence has also been mounting for the “hygiene hypothesis,” which blames growing up in increasingly sterile homes, making the immune system overreact to ordinarily harmless substances, including food.

So two out of the three possible reasons on the table- not exposing them to foods and raising them in sterile environments- are tied to sheltering our kids too much.  We are hurting our kids by protecting them so much!!!

And this all goes back to the same anxiety provoking information that I have blogged about before.  When you think about what we grew up with, not to mention what our parents experienced, all of this paranoia is just laughable.  But perhaps even more importantly, all this worrying and hovering and sheltering takes up a ton of energy that we could otherwise use to enjoy time with our children.

So bring on the peanuts, the dairy, the dirt, the pets, the alcohol, and all those other things that make life fun.

Give Sex a Chance

This past weekend we made a trip down to Little Rock for the wedding of a very good friend.  At the rehearsal dinner, the groom’s parents read a letter from the groom’s grandmother who couldn’t be there to the couple.  In it, she wrote about how one of the most important aspects to a good marriage is good sex. Gotta love a grandma like that.

I couldn’t agree with grandma more, sex is incredibly important to a good marriage and that is why books like the new What to Expect Before Your Expecting make me want to kick the author in the shins.  By putting so much pressure on the act of trying to get pregnant, not to mention the act of making love, you risk killing the passion and fun in the relationship.  

A friend who is thinking with her husband about starting to try to get pregnant recently asked me if trying to get pregnant had hurt my sex life with my husband.  I told her that, even with the fertility hoops we had to jump through, we managed to keep things light and fun.  That wasn’t necessarily easy, but we felt strongly that maintaining the sex for sex’s sake was important, that our relationship shouldn’t get lost in the work of trying to get pregnant.  I mean, honestly, what good are all of the sacrifices we make for our kids (and potential kids), if our relationships with our partners are in the dog-house? 

So while I understand that these books and websites that give advice on things to do to increase your chances of getting pregnant are serving an important informational purpose, I wish they all had a disclaimer at the beginning: “WARNING: The information that follows may severely damage your sex life.”