Transitioning Back to Work

I have noticed a pattern.  Most of my friends who return to work after becoming a mom, even the ones who really want to work, hate their jobs.  Some of them hate their job because it keeps them away from their child.  Some of them hate their job because they find going back to work to be anti-climactic (it isn’t the relief and distraction they thought it would be).  Some of them hate their jobs because they hated their jobs to begin with.

Each of my friends has handled this dilemma differently.  Some have opted to become stay-at-home moms.  Some have powered through.  Some have opted to quit, stay home for a little while longer, and then look for a new job.  And some have held out and found that once they get into a rhythm, they are really happy to be back at work.

But all of this leads me to ask: why is there so little support for moms going back to work?  There is a ton out there about how hard it is to be a working mom, and that is great, but there is very little out there about surviving the first few weeks/months.  And it just strikes me as unfair that these women who are doing what is best for their families are struggling so much without substantial support.

Obviously employers should be doing more (transition plans, flexible schedules, part-time options, support for nursing mothers, etc.).  But I think there is something more needed.  Now, obviously, these moms don’t have extra time for a support group or anything like that, but maybe there should be chat rooms or lunch groups or, at least, an open dialogue about the fact that the transition is going to be really hard.

Has anyone else noticed this trend?  Found good ways to handle it yourself?  Supported other moms who are struggling with this?

A Sense of Obligation

I had lunch today with a very good friend of mine who is starting to plan her wedding.  She is very excited but also paralyzed by a sense of obligation to have the “right” kind of wedding.  What she really wants is a very small event with just close family and a few friends, but she has this feeling that she is obligated to do something bigger and more traditional.

As we talked about it and I argued that it is more important to have the right wedding for them- a small gathering with fried chicken and ribs- than it is to invite the cousins you barely know and colleagues you don’t really like, I realized that these feelings of guilt and obligation that she was describing are very similar to the feelings I get about working/life balance.

Many of us, I think, are often so focused on our intention to do what is “right,” that we are unable to do what is right for us.  While I am not a fan of the overly entitled, “it is all about me” attitude that is on the other side of the spectrum, I do think that part of becoming a true grown up is learning how to balance obligations and what feels right, especially when those two things don’t coincide.

I was just approached about doing a very large project for one of my clients.  While this is exciting, I am also aware of the fact that it would mean a lot more struggles in terms of work/life balance.  It means figuring out how much I can honestly take on and also how much I am willing to commit to, given my desire to be present for the little one and working at the same time.

So here comes the challenge of practicing what I preach and making sure I figure out that balance from the outset…

Taking the Plunge

I officially launched the website for my consulting business yesterday.  SCARY!  This is a move I have been putting off for months, but after a number of recent conversations I realized that I just had to do it.

One friend of mine, who is also in the process of building a business, was telling me how she feels like opportunities are just passing her by as she avoids promoting her business.  As soon as she said that something in me clicked.  I had been feeling exactly the same way- terrified that I was missing chances for work by not getting my name out there and beating myself up for it constantly.

But I also realized that the other part, for me, was being afraid of what I would do if suddenly I had tons of work on my plate.  How would I balance the work and taking care of M?  How would I find child care at the last minute?  Would I be capable of doing the work?  And then I realized: I can cross that bridge when I come to it.

I don’t have it all figured out in order to take the next step.  Of course the site had to be ready for the launch, but I didn’t need to have child care arranged.  Or even a plan for what I would do if I suddenly was overwhelmed with work.

In that way, I feel like launching your own business is kind of like having a kid: you are never really going to be ready, there is never going to be a perfect time and, in the end, it is just about doing the best you can with what you have.

So fingers crossed and here’s hoping for some good, interesting work coming my way soon.

Back in the Saddle

After taking a couple of weeks off due to travel, house guests, and work, I am jumping back into the saddle.  The past couple of weeks have been utterly insane and exhausting.  But I have also had a lot of fascinating conversations and interactions about parenting, working, balancing, and feminism.  Sometimes I am amazed at how many people are struggling with these issues and it is both reassuring and depressing that I am not alone.

I had a really wonderful conversation with one friend the other day as she prepares to go back to work after four months of maternity leave.  She was telling me how she is both excited and nervous about going back.  Excited because she is looking forward to using her brain professionally again, to spending time with adults, and even to having a break from her son (and, honestly, who among us haven’t wanted that sort of a break at one point or another).  One thing I really appreciated was that she said she thought she would value the time she had with him more once it was limited.  But she is also nervous about this transition.  She is nervous about leaving her baby with other people, about how it will change her relationship with her son, and also about how her ability to do her job will change- not that she won’t be able to do her job, but that her attention and priorities are different now.

I also read this wonderful letter on Motherlode that talked about similar struggles with going back to work- definitely also check out the comments, some of them are incredibly thoughtful and interesting to read.

Both of these women’s struggles really brought home to me how no one, not even the person who is absolutely clear about their child care situation- whether it is staying home or going back to work- escapes the angst, the sadness, and the insecurities that go along with these decisions.  I just deeply hope that we can support one another through those decisions, no matter which way they fall.

Unpaid Vacation

While I am happy with the decision I made to be self-employed and work from home while M is small, there are times when it is really tough.  The obvious one is when you have a big deadline coming up and your kid won’t take a nap.  But the other time that is really hard is when you are offered a job but are unable to take it.

This week I was contacted about a small job that needs to be turned around in two days next week.  Unfortunately, I am going to be on vacation next week (well, fortunately I am going to be on vacation next week but unfortunately I can’t take the job).   As a self-employed person, turning down a job is always a hard call.  But turning down a job as a self-employed stay-at-home mom is awful.

As a self-employed stay-at-home mom I often feel guilty about how little money I am able to bring in.  I know that the work I do for our family is invaluable, blah, blah, blah, but the truth is contributing financially also feels really good.  So turning down jobs suddenly becomes not only about the risk of turning down a job and the loss of the income, but also about the self-esteem blow that comes along with all that. 

I know I made the right choice by saying no and I know that my vacation is well-deserved and will be a lot of fun- I likely won’t even think about the job lost- but, man, does that twinge of guilt suck.

Have Another Little Piece of My Heart

I was flipping through the channels last night and came across the Biography channel’s biography of Janis Joplin.  It was an all around depressing viewing experience, but one point struck me as especially poignant.  

They were talking about a vicious review of her that had been done by Rolling Stone where they criticized her for expressing her emotions during the interview, for not being rock’n'roll enough in her answers.  Mick Jagger or Bob Dylan, they said, would not have talked about their emotions like that.  This review apparently devastated her and was followed by an radio interview from which they played footage.  In it she talked about how difficult it was to be a female musician, that if you were going to truly make a go of it you had to sacrifice everything else- family, meaningful love relationships, a home life- and that took an emotional toll.

Hearing her describe it like that got me thinking about how far we have come.  Even if you just look at the music world, female musicians now not only are able to have families and still become superstars, but they are able to take their kids on tour with them (Dixie Chicks).  Even cooler, perhaps, is the fact that male musicians are also stepping up as active father figures, even when they are on tour (Gavin Rossdale).

While we still have a long way to go in terms of finding the right balance between work and family, at least that is a discussion that is now on the table.

The Loss of Happiness

A recent study on happiness found that women are less happy now than they have been over the past 35 years (so are men, but the decline is less substantial). What is more, while women used to have higher levels of happiness than men, our levels are now lower.  

Meghan O’Rourke points to one possible explanation, that it is due to the paradox of choice- the more choices we have, the more anxious we become.  This would also help to explain why it is all women who are less happy, not just mothers (working or not).

The researchers point to another possibility: “the increased opportunity to succeed in many dimensions may have led to an increased likelihood in believing that one’s life is not measuring up.”  This rings incredibly true to me and I actually think the two explanations, while different, go hand-in-hand.

I think that as the world has gotten smaller we have become aware not only of the many choices and opportunities in front of us but also of what others are making of those same choices and opportunities.  We are now more likely to come across people who have “succeeded” in ways we haven’t, which, in turn, makes us more  aware of our own “failings.”  And that is terrifying and depressing.

So how do we regain those levels of happiness we have lost? I think we are going to have to change how we see ourselves in the world, we are going to have to change the way we compare ourselves to others, we are going to have to change our definitions of success.  

Over the weekend I was talking with family about how I hate being in my 30s because I feel like I should have already reached a certain level of success or power and not only am I not there, but it is going to be a LONG time until I get there.  Reading this study makes me think that I need to change the way I see things a bit.  I need to start thinking less about where I should be or where I am going and more about where I am and accepting that for what it is.

You call those cookies?!

The lack of momentum on the professional front has definitely getting to me, as has the weather, so when the sun came out yesterday I decided that it was time to change my outlook and focus on what I have in front of me, rather than what I am missing.  

So despite a horribly failed nap in the morning and a rather cranky baby, I was determined to have a good and productive day.  We met up with a friend and her baby for lunch, which was wonderful, and then headed home to try for a more successful afternoon nap.  Once M went down I kicked into high gear- catching up on a bunch of emails, straightening up the house, getting a bunch of summer plans moving, and baking.  I was so proud of my two batches of scones that I decided I had time to make chocolate chip cookies, too.  And that is when things went terribly wrong. Half-way through making the batter the baby woke up and started crying and I tossed everything into the Cuisinart, scooped the batter out quickly onto the cookie sheet in little rounds, and ran up to get M.  When I came down to check on the cookies this is what I found:

For a moment I thought, “who are you kidding? You can’t do this stay-at-home mom thing.  You can’t do the career thing. What kind of mom/woman are you?”  And then I realized I was being a self-pitying idiot.  I may not have mastered the multi-tasking thing yet but at least I get points for trying, right?

Credit Where Credit Is Due

One part of David Leohardt’s recent interview with President Obama struck a chord with me:

LEONHARDT: Did Michelle ever make more than you did?

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, sure.  Probably only for a brief time, because I was working three jobs most of the time that I was in the State Senate…. But when I started campaigning for the U.S. Senate and I had to drop some of those jobs, then she carried us for a couple years.

While I am happy that he acknowledges that she did earn more than him for a while, why couldn’t he just have left it at that?  There was no reason to explain it or to minimize it.  Now, to be fair, the rest of the interview’s discussion of feminist issues it very good.  But it just irks me that there is that underlying defensiveness.  Especially when, according to Liza Mundy’s biography of Michelle, the time when Michelle was earning more was also a time when Barack was pretty much MIA when it came to family responsibilities. 

It got me thinking about an exchange I had this weekend with a guy I hadn’t seen in a bunch of years.

HIM: What are you doing these days?

ME: I started my own consulting business working on leadership development and program development for non-profits and educational institutions.

HIM: Wow. I think of that as something that people who have been working for longer do.  Is it going ok?

ME: Yes. It has been great.  Within two weeks of starting the business I had a clients.  It has slowed down some with the economy, but that is ok because it allows me more time with my son.

HIM: Oh, so it is only part-time. That makes sense.

I was pissed.  I felt like within thirty seconds someone who is supposed to be a peer (not to mention a friend) had cut down my professional life completely.  He was clearly defensive about his own professional life- he is working the same job he has been for a bunch of years and is in school so there is no reason to be defensive- and it felt like he needed to bring me down, to prove that I wasn’t as accomplished as I might be.

Why do people do that?  Why can’t President Obama just acknowledge what he what brought in financially without caveats or explaining?  Why can’t this guy just be happy for where I am professionally?  And why is there no recognition, on either of their parts, of the fact that we are also doing the lion’s share of the child care as well?

The Sexy Feminist

Dwight Garner’s review of Jennifer’s Scanlon’s new biography of Helen Gurley Brown got me thinking about the tensions that have always been so prevalent in the feminist movement.  He describes the animosity between Brown and major feminist figures, such as Steinam and Friedan, who saw publications, like Cosmo where Brown was the editor for 32 years, as vehicles for sexist messaging.

While I agree that Cosmo is very often problematic and does represent a great deal of the social norms and expectations that feminists seek to undo, it also strikes me that this woman from a working class background, a woman who had built a successful career with her wits and intellectual ability (and with only a high school diploma!), in many ways represents what feminists are working towards.  Brown was, in fact, working for feminist causes (maybe not all of them, I grant you) in the belly of the beast.  She was making change from within.  

Over the weekend I was talking with my mom about the expectations that women now have about family and career, but also the expectations that society has of women.  She was saying that in her generation, there was no question about whether or not you had kids- you just did- and if someone was going to sacrifice their career for the family, it was always going to be the woman.  As we all know, now it seems that the expectation is that you will have kids and a career and sacrifice nothing, while successfully accomplishing everything.  Obviously, neither of these sets of expectations is fair or right.  So feminist mothers in our generation have responded in three different ways: some opt-in and work full-time while missing time with their kids, other opt-out and decide to stay home, and then others try to play both sides.  In the end, though, very few are completely happy with the decision they made, despite the “choice” they made and often there is tension among the different camps.

But maybe we need to look at it differently.  Maybe the success of the feminist movement thus far is that there have been women like Brown as well as women like Steinam and Friedan.  That we need feminists in all of the different roles, pushing the feminist agenda in different ways.  We may not always agree on our approaches and choices, but in the end we are all pushing the cause forward.